It all started with a break up. Sebastian and I had been together for three and half years when we decided to part ways in March earlier this year. It was awful - my world was officially rocked; but, admittedly, I hit the dating scene kind of quickly. Not only that, I had the bug to party. Stay up late, drink, smoke, be obnoxious - anything to make the point that I was young and had the party bug to get out of my system. After five months of "just having fun", as I liked to coin my status, my longing for Sebastian had grown overwhelming. He was my match, and it was only made clearer after dating a few...um...douchebags.
On an early August night I called him, we hung out, we made out and then, uh, watched some TV. We've been together since then with a new groove to our relationship.
I'd say we're much more responsible this time around, much more mature. I'd say we've found our balance. I'd say we've adjusted our priorities...except I wasn't on birth control, that is if you don't consider the pull-out method as birth control.
About a month later, one night I decided to relax with a clove cigarette (I don't know if they have fiber glass in them, okay?). I got greater head buzz than normal while driving around and listening to The Clash. Everything was aaaaaallllll good. I went to Starbucks to meet my friend Chris for some coffee, but hung out in the parking lot listening to Nina Simone while finishing my cigarette. Everything was groovy until I went inside Starbucks and found a seat. I got instant nausea and had to go home immediately. Since then I've been terribly nauseated, especially by the smell of new candles I just bought from Ikea. Total bummer. And though you would think duh, you're probably pregnant, I still brushed it off as a bug I got from my boss at work (she had been sick a couple of weeks ago).
I decided to go to the doctor last Friday the 24th just to see if I had, you know, something normal and non-pregnanty like acid reflux of the stomach flu. Well, at my mother's request I got a pregnancy test as well. When the physician's assistant told me I pregnant, I can't even recall how I felt. I felt a mixture of things. I was by myself so I felt vulnerable, but also excited to tell someone. I felt like I could not believe it, but honesty, pull-out method? I mean come on, who were me and Sebastian kidding? I felt everything but unhappy, really. And all I wanted to do was rush to Sebastian's house while the nurse took a good 15 minutes to organize herself before taking my blood. I swear it was the longest 15 minutes of my life, not to mention the drive home.
Today I lie on my bed after drinking a fruit shake with an embryo, hormones, weight gain and prenatal vitamins starting to take affect. My mind is racing with stressful thoughts, blissful thoughts, anticipatory thoughts, curious thoughts.
The reality of it is that Sebastian and I aren't doing it the ideal way. We were going to get married once I finished school and then start thinking about kids once I turned 27 or 28 or something. But instead, I'm two years away from finishing school and Sebastian just finished and is in the process of looking for a job (he also went to school for respiratory therapy). There's no ring, no home with a picket fence and only insurance for one of us (thank goodness it's me). But the other reality of it is that the love between Sebastian and I is unshakable. I don't know a lot of things, but what I do know is that our baby will be raised with love and support.
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